Brief Periods of Weightlessness

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Beating down against the tarmac, the rocket’s engine propels the airship into the Mojave Desert’s sky, spaceward. Made for monied tourists, it shoots upward, because Alaska’s ice mountains, remote wilderness and bending time is not enough. Enough might be this: six figures for a skip through space, a brief period of weightlessness.

On the other side of the Pacific, in Macau—long known for its drug trafficking—casino stocks are falling. Falling, falling, falling. Yet the American run Macau gambling enterprise expands as wealthy Chinese businessmen hide in foxholes while other powers put on the squeeze. Hide and seek. Like cats and mice only we don’t know who is who. They’ve been mixing cocktails together for a coon’s age.

Not far from the Americas’ Mothership of gaming, two test pilots man the rocket, or plane, or whatever it is—an amalgam of both—in the Mojave. Aeronauts ride first—point men for the outer-atmosphere tourists. A tweet tells the world they are airborne. Minutes later, the desert floor is sprinkled with metal scrap. A dead pilot still strapped to his seat.

Five years of rapid growth—fueled by none other than Las Vegas financiers—lands Macau a dubious award: world’s largest gambling center.  Shadowy characters haul in the high rollers, extend credit and collect the debt. Some of the rollers never return, their chips down.

The cost of doing business:  “in-flight-anomolies,” explosions, thugs, drugs, profiteering. Is life so bleak and sobering that our best alternative, our only option, awaits in the bosom of an interstellar bubble? Because this is where we are headed, isn’t it? Until then, we’ll take the succor of hyper-oxygenated casinos. Staying here for any length of time, though, is a gamble. A game of chance, and the stakes are, you might say, skyrocketing. How long can we accommodate ourselves? How long can we bear ourselves? So perhaps the other last frontier: the stars, the moons and the planets with their own ices and gases—or better, an exoplanet in the potentially habitable Goldilocks Zone, twenty light-years from Earth—aren’t such a long shot after all.

Gravity—an invisible force of attraction—is what keeps us tethered to earth. And the pressure of this gravity, all the bodies exerting their force upon other bodies, upon the Earth, is what scares us most, what keeps us moving away from it. Who knows when it will happen, this sudden and imminent planetary collapse, the liquidation of humankind.

An ideal space would be one in which we are tethered to nothing and nothing is tethered to us. Where matter does not matter. Where the physical world does not constrain. Cloud nine would be perfect.

To be unweighted, unfettered, light as a leaf.

The more remote the body the less the gravity.

Go faster, go higher, not west! I wonder what we will do when we reach the next unspoiled frontier. What will we do without gravity?

Blur

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At sunset, the surface of the farm is coated with fog and I am in the midst of my own inner fog—a migraine that trickled through the upper quadrant of my head at sunrise. By noon, as the sky cracked with rain, I could no longer stand the relentless pain. Stripped of capacity to read or write, I closed the bedroom shades and got under the covers. When I later emerged I heard the sound of rain hurling against the roof, mimicking the interior of my head: a deluge of prickly spasms.

But soccer practice goes on, which means my daughter, Lu, will need me to pick her up at 5:30 pm. So at 6:00 pm I am in the car with her, heading home down Abbott Run Valley Road, my head a little less prickly but wildly pounding, when I see this white miasma sweeping across the fields of Franklin Farm—a low-hanging grey haze much like my daylong stupor.

Of course, yes, I pull over, stop. But I have only my phone. I take two (blurry) pictures and Lu yells at me to get back in the car. It’s cold, she says, and she needs to get to her schoolwork. I bring her home, grab my camera and return to the farm, running across swells of green like a madwoman, hand gripping camera, arms thrashing in the air, trying to capture the now escaping haze. Literally—everything seems literal these days—it’s flying the coop! (The empty coop, that is.) I chase it. It’s beautiful, it’s rolling and twisting and the entire farm is so very quiet. Except for the pumpkin-colored leaves mashing underfoot.

The fog is one step ahead of me as I run toward it. One step. I push forward, dazed, it pushes out. I am out of breath now, barely at its edge when the entire mass dissipates in the crisp air, and I stop to watch it flee.

A moment later, my head clears. Vanishes like the fog.

I go home and make chicken soup.

(Lulu will have it for lunch tomorrow.)

I Remember Tomorrow

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The sunflowers were put to bed, you know. I mean, literally put to bed. Their heads were lobbed off, stalks cut at the ground, and their big round discs, bulging with seed, laid in one of the wood-framed flower beds. One day, toward the end of  last month, I set out to Franklin Farm wondering if the sunflowers were still there, if they hadn’t toppled over from their own hardened weight, or been purposely cut down by one of the volunteers prepping for the winter months. What I found was that they had been deadheaded. They’ve been slain, I said to my kids. I was mortified and, well, sad. I felt out of sorts. I felt like I was ten-years-old again, and I hadn’t been prepared. No one prepared me for this event. They are sunflowers! I know, I know, they are not human, but they are theys! And, well, I had become attached to them. And I wasn’t prepared.

Of course, the feeling was fleeting. (Sort of.) As I am fully aware of the natural cycle of things, the arc of a life. Yet, I hadn’t thought it was time. Hadn’t imagined that they’d be laid to rest so soon.

It is my birthday today. I am fifty-three. Fifty-three. To my teenaged children, a number that signifies antiquity. Yesterday, I took a picture of the giant wall of wild grape leaves that climbs up a row of maples in our backyard and screens the land and the brook running behind it. It’s a glorious canvas which, all summer long and into autumn, hides the view of the adjacent street. Yesterday, the leafy wall was a mottled mass of reds and greens and golds that, brushed against the sky’s diffuse lighting, looked as if it had been painted by a French impressionist. This morning, I woke and went directly downstairs to find that, but for a few stubborn leaves, our natural wall of privacy is gone.

I don’t need to point out the obvious metaphor. But there it is, and I cannot help but address it. Look, the leaves have departed. Disappeared. Vanished. Though I can smell their earthy aroma in the air. And yet, as I look closer, some leaves are still clinging to branches like babies to mama’s breast, not knowing that the milk has dried up. Mama is tired.

Today is not like yesterday. Tomorrow the wall will be even thinner. I am reminded of this conundrum every October. Autumn’s vibrant landscape is utterly gorgeous and inspiring, but it is a set up, a prelude, an inauguration for the (inevitable) darkness of winter. In New England, we excitedly anticipate the fall season. We are thrilled by its coming. We embrace and celebrate the spectacle, the pink morning light, early evening’s crimson and amber sky, and the cool, crispness of night. But the season’s contrasts—its beauty and brittleness—remind us that it’s short-lived. And so we are inured to its passing even if many of us mourn it.

I am not the same person I was yesterday. I am not the same person I was in my forties or thirties or twenties. I think, though, that I am, or have become, or rediscovered, the person I was when I was ten. Ten. And what a joy to be ten! And how to be ten! (Though at ten, I had a memory.) I better remember myself at ten than at forty. Why? Simple. I was vibrant then. At ten, I was flash of red, streak of umber, gilt-edged silver. At forty—an age at which many women claim they come into themselves—I was warming milk bottles and wrapping dirty diapers into tight triangles for efficient disposal. I was baby food, a sallow pea green. Overwhelmed, exhausted, uncertain, bland.

Changing seasons, changing colors, passing months and years. And I am ten again. The first, magical double digit. I am writing, creating, and engaged like I was when I was ten. I am excited! This is good news as I can’t mourn my youth if I’m still ten. But it’s also bad news because I still have a ten-year-old’s habits: procrastination and play. You know what this means? I still have not written the lecture I was supposed to write last month. This is the same lecture that I was supposed to start writing months ago. It was September 9th when I finally made a note to myself to write it. And then I went lollygagging. Again. And here I am, another year older, still in the What to say phase of the lecture. I have, at least, been reading toward the lecture. Taking notes, and pictures. So I am also in what is called the research phase. Right? Of course.

Ten, ten, ten.

I have stopped admonishing myself for dawdling. At fifty-three, I have come to realize that what I am doing, what I’ve always been doing, is something known as purposeful lollygagging—which is something quite different from wasting time. (As if time can be wasted.) A purposeful lollygag is not idle, no, it’s the putt-putting of thought, ideas, words, images. It’s a process that, in theory, eventually puts you at the center of the green with the little ball rimming the hole. And… Plop. Not often a hole-in-one (and probably never!), mind you, but after several bunker shots you learn how to line it up and see the clear path to the pin.

My mind is not as elastic as it was when I was ten. And in a way, I’m happy for it. There are many things I can’t, and frankly, don’t want to wrap my head around. There are plenty of things I prefer not to remember. There are many more things, yet to happen, that I will remember. Or not. It’s okay. Truly. Because, already, I remember tomorrow. But I have no idea where I will be yesterday. Everything will come to pass and pass to come. And next year, if I am fifty-four or not, the seasons will turn, the sunflowers will blossom and fold, seeds will scatter, scatter everywhere, and then they’ll be put to bed. And some time, before all of that happens, I will write a lecture.